Sickipedia Hottest #1

Some hottest memes and jokes extracted from sickipedia.
I translated them and added notes for the obscure ones.
Hope you like it, then I will update it daily.

☆ Today i put my phone in dark mode. It stabbed 4 people.
今天我把手机调到黑色模式,结果它捅了四个人。

☆ …Loving this Coronavirus! Women don’t run anymore when I approach wearing a mask.
爱死新型冠状病毒了!现在女人们看到我戴着面罩靠近都不逃跑了!

☆ I got stopped by a copper with a radar gun the other day. “Bit of a speed merchant are we, sir?” he asked.
“A bit, now and then,” I replied, “but I only sell to friends.”
So as well as three points I’m looking at three months.

我被一个拿着测速枪的条子拦住了,他问我:“你是不是有点超速了,先生?/你是不是卖speed?”
我回答:“偶尔卖一点,但是我只卖给朋友。”
现在我不光被扣了三分,还要蹲三个月号子。

注:甲基安非他命 (methamphetamine)在市场上按纯度不同分为三种,10-20%的被称为speed,80%以上的被称为ice,之间的被称为base。

☆ “Police hunt man accused of sexual assaults on London buses”
This must be a new kind of fetish, but I don’t see how it can be a crime, even if the bus is under sixteen years old.

“警察在伦敦的公交车上搜捕一个被指控性侵犯的男人。”
这也许是一种新的恋物癖,但我不觉得这犯法了啊,虽然这公交车不到16岁。

☆ “I’m not happy about this,” I protested.
“Nonetheless, your son’s gender reassignment surgery starts tomorrow,” replied the NHS consultant. “The entire medical board have all agreed with her that she is a female trapped in a male body.”
“Even if it all works, and he ends up looking like a girl,” I said, “you can always tell by the deep voice….”
“He has a naturally high-pitched voice, so that won’t be an issue,” said the doctor.
“For fucksake,” I yelled. “That’ll break when he reaches puberty, he’s only 11.”

“我觉得这很不妥!”,我抗议到。
国家健康委员会(NHS)的顾问回答到:“整个医学委员会都认同你儿子是一个被困在男性身体里的女性,无论如何,你儿子的性别转换疗程将从明天开始。”
我说:“即使这些手段有效,最终让她看起来是个女孩,但还是能从他低沉的声音判断出来他是男性。”
医生说:“这不是个问题,你儿子天生音调高。”
“别他妈乱搞了!他才11岁,等他青春期了就变音了!”,我吼到。

题外话:白左们貌似对性别这种“Not what I want to be”的东西很排斥,还整出来什么“性别认同”之类的扯犊子概念。那些自己觉得自己是女性的男性还有个学名,叫MTF。我想,既然这样,啥时候能考虑一下我们这些人在三本心不死的学渣,搞个“学籍认同”。\doge

☆ The Frenchman who had his face eaten by 5 rottweilers was in fact black.
It’s Dog eat Wog over there….

被五条罗威纳犬啃了脸的法国人其实是个尼哥。
那场景可真惨啊/那是狗啃外国佬的场面。

注:Dog eat Dog 用来形容残酷,作者逗机灵把Dog换成Wog玩双关,Wog是对外国人的蔑称。

☆ As I watched a documentary with my mate about the Hillsborough disaster, the tears just began to flow:
“Oh my God” I said to him, staring at his blank face, “are you a fucking robot?”
“Of course not” he replied, “I just don’t find it as funny as you.”

我和男友一起看一个关于希尔斯堡惨剧的纪录片,我忍不住留下了眼泪。
“天啊!你是个机器人吗?”,我看着他毫无表情的脸说到。
他回答:“当然不是啊,我只是觉得它没有你认为的那么搞笑。”

注:Hillsborough disaster是一场踩踏事故,死老多人了。

☆ ‘Billions of locusts swarm through east Africa-‘
“The sight was terrifying!” Said one of the locusts-

数以亿计蝗虫席卷了非洲。
“这场面太恐怖了!”,一只蝗虫说到。

☆ Every time i have sex i always get cramp in my right hand from holding the knife。
每次我享受性生活时右手都因举刀累得很酸。

☆ Found a wallet, and thought about handing it in and thought “Well, if I lost my wallet with two hundred and fifty pounds in it , how would I feel?” And I realised I would want to be taught a lesson.
捡到一个钱包,想据为己有,但换位思考,如果我丢了装着二百五十英镑的钱包,我作何感想?
我意识到我想要一个教训。

☆ My grandpa said that we youngsters rely on technology too much.
I replied “No, you do.” and unplugged his life support.

我祖父说现在小孩子太依赖于科技了。
我回了一句“不!,你才是!”,然后拔掉了他的生命维持系统。

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