☆ It’s funny how definitions have changed for parents over the years.
Your child is not ‘badly behaved and a bit thick’, they’ve got ADHD.
They’re not a ‘sissy’, they’re born in the wrong body,
They’re not an ‘interfering, opinionated, annoying little cunt’, they’re a vegan.
☆ My new loanshark really does have a heart of gold.
He said if I couldn’t make the first payment towards the loan by Thursday night then he would take my whole family out at the weekend!
☆ My son said he wanted to be a ghost for Halloween…
so I killed him.
☆ I can’t believe I’ve landed a 30-day ban from Facebook, just for posting a Hitler meme.
What is this, Nazi Germany?
☆ It has been proven that Greta Thunberg is making a real difference to climate change, as every time she comes on the TV approximately 1 million people switch it off.
☆ There’s a rumour that surgeons in the US have performed the first ever penis & scrotum transplant on an injured army veteran.
Sounds like a cock & balls story to me!
Everyday my 90 year old neighbour who has alzhiemers knocks on my door and asks me if I’ve seen his wife .
And everyday I have to tell that 90 year old man his wife has been long dead .
You know I have thought of not answering the door I have even thought about moving house .
But you know it’s worth it, each time just to see the smile on his face..
☆ I’ve got a job where I can proudly hold my head up at the end of the day.
I’m an executioner for ISIS.
☆ Mexico should stop importing cocaine for a month;
then the Americans will be the ones climbing the wall…
☆ My mate suffers from that disease which makes him allergic to facts.
☆My wife asked me to pray for her mothers cancer, and to be fair, God answered my prayer.
Base常被形容男女交合的步骤，先亲再摸后基因交流，也叫first base，second base，third base
Little Messi == Little messy