☆ I broke up with my girlfriend at restaurant. She started crying.
Everyone thought I proposed her so they started clapping.
☆ Being a programmer and watching someone “hack” a computer on a TV show is like being a nurse watching someone in a movie take blood with a carrot.
☆ There should be an Olympics where athletes can take whatever drugs they like.
Like fuck it, let’s see how high can humans really jump!
☆ What do people that use u instead of you and M8 instead of mate do with with all that precious time they’ve saved .
☆ I work with a Chinese guy called Kim and one time at a works function, we were having a drink and I said to him “Do you ever get fed up of us Westerners saying that all Chinese people look the same”?
He replied “Kim’s at the bar getting drinks, I’m his wife”
☆ I phoned the Child Abuse Hotline.
A kid answered, called me a cunt and told me to fuck off.
我拨打了Child Abuse Hotline（1.虐待儿童举报热线 2.就字面意思）
☆ Breaking news………..
Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London.
Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.
警察们估计这是Ram-a-dam（1.穆斯林斋月 2.ram a dam字面意思-撞击大坝）的开始。
☆ You gotta hand it to midgets.
Because some times they can’t reach.
你得hand it to（1. 理解，认可 2. 字面意思，递给）侏儒们啊。
☆ A Muslim lady was denied entrance into Mcdonalds today until she removes her hijab….
Should have gone to Burka king
☆ B.B.C News: In a new study “Humans eat more bananas than monkeys”.
I can’t remember the last time I ate a fucking monkey.
☆ Autocorrect is a bastard. Just text my pal asking if he wanted to go for a wank down the river!
I meant the canal.