Darwin Awards Collection #1

Honoring Charles Darwin, the father of evolution, Darwin Awards commemorate those who improve our gene pool–by removing themselves from it in the most spectacular way possible.

为了纪念进化论之父达尔文,我们把达尔文奖颁给那些用自身实际行动来净化人类基因池的猛士。


Masturbator Meets Hard End

It was not traffic he was trying to beat…
(22 January 2016, Michigan) Referred to as a “distracted driver,” Clifford Ray Jones, 58, was driving without pants — without seatbelt — and with a porno flick screening on his mobile device. Add a wide-open sunroof on a cold winter Sunday, and you have a recipe for disaster.

He should have kept his hands on the wheel instead of the stick. In the wee hours (at 3:40am) Clifford’s Toyota went out of control on the onramp to I-75, rolled, and crashed, ejaculating our hero through the sunroof in a spectacular climax to his life. Come and gone, Clifford and his beloved wanky will be fondly remembered in our archives.

他开错了车…
58岁的Clifford Ray Jones在某个冬日的凌晨感受到了一丝躁动。他打开手机,播放起人类古老仪式的珍贵视频;他打开天窗,释放车内氤氲的热气;他拉开拉链,释放自己火热的内心。
本应握住盘的手却握住了杆,于是在I-75的上匝道,我们的获奖者和他的汽车失去了控制,我们的英雄从天窗中喷射而出,在洋洋大观中达到了生命的高潮。纵使时光荏苒,Clifford和他那出神入化的车技将彪炳千古,为后人景仰。


Red Evolution

(2017, Russia) A welder is in the evolutionary spotlight today. Vargas (pseudonym) worked for The Enterprise for the Construction, Repair and Maintenance of Highways in Tselinnoe when he noticed how well a fire extinguisher fits into a decommissioned artillery howitzer. Inspired, he stuffed the fire extingusher down the barrel…
Trained to use the elemental powers of hot plasma, welders are normally not daredevils but Vargus was determined to prove the old adage, ‘There are old welders and bold welders but there are no old, bold welders.’ He charged the cannon with calcium carbide and water, a reactive combination that produces acetylene welding gas…
The abused fire extinguisher exploded from the howitzer cannon, and pieces of the payload brained the welder–whose head was conveniently located in the ballistic trajectory of the shrapnel. In a fight between shrapnel and an empty skull, shrapnel wins.

这位达尔文奖得主是来自俄罗斯的电焊工Vargas。他生前在Цели́нное的“公路建设、修理和维修公司”工作。他在工作之余惊喜地发现灭火器恰好可以塞进他在路边找到的退役榴弹炮。于是他发挥艰苦创业的精神,把灭火器直接塞进炮管里。
电焊工是古老的火元素能力者的现代分支,他们精于操纵等离子体。特殊的工作意味着电焊工通常不会冒险,但Vargas决心证明这句古老的格言,“你要做一辈子的懦夫,还是做大胆的电焊工,哪怕只有一分钟。”他在榴弹炮底部填装了电石和水,企图召唤电焊工的挚友——乙炔。
无辜的灭火器果然从榴弹炮里高速飞出,一些碎片击碎了电焊工的脑袋。在钢铁和榆木脑袋的对决中,钢铁未尝败绩。


One Way Ticket

(21 March 2017, Germany) Blasting apart a ticketing machine at the train station was supposed to buy him a ticket to the good life, but instead the 31-year-old purchased passage in the opposite direction, losing his life in an explosion that ripped the metal front panel off the machine.
The details are: he stiffened his resolve with a few drinks at a bar, he was spotted spraying cans of aerosol gas into a ticket vending machine, he placed the empties in a jute bag, and then he ignited the gas (by means undisclosed) causing an explosion that rocked the Dortmund neighborhood.
A bar acquaintance recognized him and called for emergency help. But, sprinkled with shrapnel wounds and suffering a substantial head injury, the man rapidly succumbed to death despite resuscitation efforts.
Safety measures as simple as wearing a leather jacket and motorcycle helmet would have changed the outcome for Mr. One Way Ticket Out.

炸毁一台火车站的自助售票机本应带给你一张通往美好生活的车票,但我们的主角显然搞错了方向。
这位31岁的多特蒙德青年在酒吧喝了几杯酒,这使他充满了决心。他把一整罐喷漆全部喷进自动售票机里,然后用未知的方式点燃了气体。爆炸震撼了整个火车站。
一位在酒吧一起喝酒的熟人认出了他,急忙打电话给急救中心。不幸的是这位有志青年身上已经插满了碎片,头部也受重伤。尽管医生竭力抢救,这名男子还是当场身亡。
如果他穿着皮夹克,戴着摩托头盔,他的命运可能就此改变,但现在,他已经登上了去往达尔文奖颁奖典礼的单程车。

发表评论