Darwin Awards Collection #1

Honoring Charles Darwin, the father of evolution, Darwin Awards commemorate those who improve our gene pool–by removing themselves from it in the most spectacular way possible.


Masturbator Meets Hard End

It was not traffic he was trying to beat…
(22 January 2016, Michigan) Referred to as a “distracted driver,” Clifford Ray Jones, 58, was driving without pants — without seatbelt — and with a porno flick screening on his mobile device. Add a wide-open sunroof on a cold winter Sunday, and you have a recipe for disaster.

He should have kept his hands on the wheel instead of the stick. In the wee hours (at 3:40am) Clifford’s Toyota went out of control on the onramp to I-75, rolled, and crashed, ejaculating our hero through the sunroof in a spectacular climax to his life. Come and gone, Clifford and his beloved wanky will be fondly remembered in our archives.

58岁的Clifford Ray Jones在某个冬日的凌晨感受到了一丝躁动。他打开手机,播放起人类古老仪式的珍贵视频;他打开天窗,释放车内氤氲的热气;他拉开拉链,释放自己火热的内心。

Red Evolution

(2017, Russia) A welder is in the evolutionary spotlight today. Vargas (pseudonym) worked for The Enterprise for the Construction, Repair and Maintenance of Highways in Tselinnoe when he noticed how well a fire extinguisher fits into a decommissioned artillery howitzer. Inspired, he stuffed the fire extingusher down the barrel…
Trained to use the elemental powers of hot plasma, welders are normally not daredevils but Vargus was determined to prove the old adage, ‘There are old welders and bold welders but there are no old, bold welders.’ He charged the cannon with calcium carbide and water, a reactive combination that produces acetylene welding gas…
The abused fire extinguisher exploded from the howitzer cannon, and pieces of the payload brained the welder–whose head was conveniently located in the ballistic trajectory of the shrapnel. In a fight between shrapnel and an empty skull, shrapnel wins.


One Way Ticket

(21 March 2017, Germany) Blasting apart a ticketing machine at the train station was supposed to buy him a ticket to the good life, but instead the 31-year-old purchased passage in the opposite direction, losing his life in an explosion that ripped the metal front panel off the machine.
The details are: he stiffened his resolve with a few drinks at a bar, he was spotted spraying cans of aerosol gas into a ticket vending machine, he placed the empties in a jute bag, and then he ignited the gas (by means undisclosed) causing an explosion that rocked the Dortmund neighborhood.
A bar acquaintance recognized him and called for emergency help. But, sprinkled with shrapnel wounds and suffering a substantial head injury, the man rapidly succumbed to death despite resuscitation efforts.
Safety measures as simple as wearing a leather jacket and motorcycle helmet would have changed the outcome for Mr. One Way Ticket Out.